Chiefs +9 at Patriots
I sort of hate this game because it's so many points to lay but people don't get rich betting against Belichick and Brady. I always lose the opener. By the way, my least favorite Thursday night opener of all time was Vikings at Saints 2010 where the Vikings lost fuckin' like 16-9. I was working at the Country Club in Hibbing and told my boss that I was "unavailable" to work that night and when he asked why I told the truth, which was a stupid thing to do.
Jets +6.5 at Bills
The Jets stink.
Falcons -6 at Bears
Lot of points to lay on the road, but I don't trust the Bears. I will not be betting this game. Side note - I fuckin' love the Bears. They just stink every year and it makes me happy. Nothing better than watching the Bears lose games and all the fans just sitting in the biting wind off the lake. That's Big Ten football.
Jags +4.5 at Texans
I think some people think the Texans are going to be hot shit this year, which I don't really see happening, but realistically how many more times will I get to bet against Blake Bortles.
Eagles +2.5 at Washington
I don't think this is actually true but in my brain every team in the NFC East goes 8-8 every year. Also I heard on a podcast that Mike Lombardi thinks Doug Pederson is the least-qualified head coach in NFL history which is high praise coming from a guy who was fired by the Raiders and the Browns.
Cardinals +2.5 at Lions
I fucking love how Matt Stafford is the highest paid player in the NFL now. Still makes basically what Ricky Nolasco makes. My buddy hit me with the take that Stafford would be better after Calvin Johnson retired because he gets to spread the ball around more. I laughed in his face but I think he might have been right?
Raiders -1 at Titans
This pick is completely me getting scared off by the line looking too tasty for the Raiders. I'm not that smart. Something's up.
Ravens +1 at Bengals
It's probably bad that I changed my pick as I was typing this and also that I had to google whether Joe Flacco is playing or not. Makes a ton of sense that as I follow the NFL less and less I gamble more and more. I may as well just flip coins. Anyway, this comes down to me trusting Flacco more than Andy Dalton (ginger rivalry). Also, Marvin Lewis is the Ron Gardenhire of the NFL.
Steelers -9.5 at Browns
I got caught betting on the Browns a lot last year. Won't happen again.
Colts -3.5 at Rams
Give me those delicious, nutritious points at home.
Panthers -4 at 49ers
I probably picked the wrong road favorite, but I can't bet on Blaine Gabbert. I can't. I won't. That's where I draw the line. (Upon further review, Blaine Gabbert isn't on the 9ers anymore and Bryan Hoyer is. The point stands.)
Giants +6.5 at Cowboys
I'll be betting against the Cowboys a lot this year unless I change my mind. I like them for a down year and I think the Giants are going to be good. First year of Brandon Marshall is always the best one.
Saints +3.5 at Vikings
OK. I always bet against the Vikings in prime time games. The Vikings went 8-8 last year with literal revolving doors playing all five offensive line positions. Sam "Glass Bones" Bradford didn't even get hurt behind that line, so I expect him to miss about five games this year.
My personal Vikings preview: 7-9. I have never been less excited about a Vikings team. Mike Zimmer is going to go fuckin' blind coaching this group to second place finishes in the NFC North and I honestly kind of wish he'd just quit for his own good. The defense is still going to be good but I don't believe in Bradford, I don't believe in the line, and Laquan Treadwell still only has one more catch in the NFL than I do. I miss Teddy.
Chargers +4 at Broncos
I can't imagine the Sunday Scaries Osweiler had walking into the Broncos facility one year after signing a $70M deal to leave and subsequently getting cut by TWO teams who have historically bad QBs. I bet it would be like if I had to move back to Hibbing with my tail between my legs, minus the $36 million guaranteed.