Friday, September 23, 2016

I'll Love You Forever, Kevin Garnett

I was born on September 25, 1992.  Kevin Garnett was drafted by the Timberwolves in June 1995, when I was shy of 3.  So today is the first lucid day of my life that Kevin Garnett is not in the NBA.  I'm not sure what to think.  I don't know if there's an athlete that I feel more connected to.  He's sort of the last active link to my childhood.

And my childhood was all Kevin Garnett all the time.  I swear I had 100 of his basketball cards.  My bedroom at my parents house is still littered with random Garnett shit.  I have an autograph on my wall from when I sent him a letter, one of hundreds that some poor intern probably had to stuff in envelopes and mail out.  Posters, jerseys, pictures, cards, even a Kevin Garnett rubber duck.  I would have worn his jersey every fucking day, and I probably tried.  I still don't understand why a Garnett jersey wasn't appropriate for picture day.  Our hall closet, to my knowledge is still full of VHS tapes of recordings of games, important and random, airings of his Beyond the Glory, random interviews.   I was insanely jealous of my cousin, named Kevin, because he had the same name as Kevin Garnett.  Now that I type it all out, my parents were probably pretty alarmed that I seemingly had no other interests.

In reality, I probably could have sent 1000 tweets about Garnett memories today.  But instead, I'm going to try and put them here.

I loved him and Stephon Marbury.  I hated it when he left.  

Me and my cousin were going to be in the NBA on the same team just like them, a dynamic duo of short white kids.  Of course, I was going to be the Garnett in our reincarnation.

The first time I heard the word "motherfucker" was out of his mouth at a game.

I loved the powder toss on the media before every game.  Couldn't understand why we didn't have powder at Saturday morning basketball.

I loved how when he fucked up, he snapped rubber bands on his wrists.  Of course, I imitated.

I loved the pregame chest pounding.  I loved the fact that he always blocked shots after the whistle.

I practiced his free throw routine and the left block turnaround fadeaway in our dirt driveway incessantly.

I loved the tee shirts for season ticket holders--the license plate.  Land of Defense and Double Doubles.

I loved when he won All Star Game MVP in 2003.  I acted like the Wolves won the damn Finals.  37 points!!!!  It did kind of irk me that he didn't get a double-double in that game tho.

I didn't care when he beat up Duluth's own Rick Rickert in training camp.  Rickert probably did something wrong anyway (Honestly this was the peak of my North Korea-esque unconditional belief in him.  No one has ever had a higher approval rating).

I loved when we finally got over the hump against Denver in 6 games in 2004.  He stood on the scorer's table relieved and basically insane.

I loved when we were actually on national TV, and the TNT music would come on, Kevin Harlan: "And we go to the land of 10,000 lakes..." [cut in to Kevin Garnett wamring up with exactly two of the buttons on his tearaway pants done]

I loved when he called his teammates over to take the MVP.  I loved that he had a bad game that night, and I was defending him to my parents' friends who had seemingly just discovered the Timberwolves earlier that week.

I wanted to murder Anthony Peeler when he punched Garnett in Game 6 and said so.  My dad didn't like that much.

I loved Game 7.  46 minutes.  32-21-2-5-4.  Him screming "God damnit!!!"  Going into the postgame interview.

I hated that that was the top of the mountain for him on the Wolves.

I hated the next two years, and for a time, Kevin McHale, for doing the least with the most in the entire NBA while employing KG.

I loved that he left.  I loved that it wasn't the Lakers, thank fucking God.

I loved that he won.  I love that he shouted out "'Sota" as he and only he calls it after.  

I loved those Celtic teams.

I love that he never changed, he hated Duncan and Sheed the same as he did LeBron and Joakim a decade later.

I loved that he wore Sealy's number in New Jersey.

I loved the return.  I love that I spent $60 on the wrong comeback game, a week before he debuted again.

I love that I was in the last row of Target Center for the return.  I love how I went to Target Center at 9 am to get student tickets.

He was the fucking man. 

EDIT: Forgot some shit.

A girl in my class got to go to the 03 playoffs vs. the Lakers.  I asked her who her favorite player was.  She said her two favorites were Kevin Garnett and KG.  I almost shit.

Loved him and Sam Cassell.  I loved how much he loved Malik Sealy.

I loved how he taught Wiggins and Karl.  I love how much he loved Flip.

I love all the stories of him being insane.  Head butting the wall of his own house watching MTV.  Hyperventilating on the court.  "LET'S FUCKING GO, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Twins Still Stink

A sentence or two on every player currently on the Twins roster.

# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
58 Fernando Abad L/L 6'1" 220lbs 12/17/85 He's alright.
64 Pat Dean L/L 6'1" 195lbs 5/25/89 Name sounds like a Republican state senator from western Minnesota.
56 Tyler Duffey R/R 6'3" 220lbs 12/27/90 Only competent starter.
45 Phil Hughes R/R 6'5" 240lbs 6/24/86 He was really good in 2014
49 Kevin Jepsen R/R 6'3" 235lbs 7/26/84 Good thing I left before he pitched tonight.
27 Brandon Kintzler R/R 6'0" 190lbs 8/1/84 Can't wait to forget he was ever a Twin
65 Trevor May R/R 6'5" 240lbs 9/23/89 He's good but he's been bad. Met him at a bar in Uptown, nice guy
47 Ricky Nolasco R/R 6'2" 235lbs 12/13/82 Get the fuck off my team
54 Ervin Santana R/R 6'2" 175lbs 12/12/82 I wonder how many hat sizes he went down when he cut his dreadlocks
57 Ryan Pressly R/R 6'3" 210lbs 12/15/88 Didn't even realize we still had him
55 Taylor Rogers L/L 6'3" 170lbs 12/17/90 Uninspired call up
59 Michael Tonkin R/R 6'7" 220lbs 11/19/89 Hit in extras against Washington, hit a swinging bunt where my internal body clock said he's safe, he was out by 6 steps.
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
37 Juan Centeno L/R 5'9" 195lbs 11/16/89 3 years 36 million
8 Kurt Suzuki R/R 5'11" 205lbs 10/4/83 Top 5 least favorite Twin of all time.
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
2 Brian Dozier R/R 5'11" 200lbs 5/15/87 Oh no, we suck again!
5 Eduardo Escobar S/R 5'10" 185lbs 1/5/89 He makes me sad
7 Joe Mauer L/R 6'5" 225lbs 4/19/83 I love him so much
9 Eduardo Nunez R/R 6'0" 195lbs 6/15/87 Top 4 least favorite Twin of all time
24 Trevor Plouffe R/R 6'2" 215lbs 6/15/86 Nice guy who is more average than Terry Ryan is willing to admit
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
31 Oswaldo Arcia L/R 6'0" 225lbs 5/9/91 No good reason he didn't pinch hit tonight
36 Robbie Grossman S/L 6'0" 215lbs 9/16/89 2 years 17 million extension
21 Darin Mastroianni R/R 5'11" 190lbs 8/26/85 I still can't believe he's on the Twins again. So so so so so depressing
22 Miguel Sano R/R 6'4" 260lbs 5/11/93 Getting a tattoo of him on my lower back and my neck
39 Danny Santana S/R 5'11" 185lbs 11/7/90 He's mistaken all of his bats for piss-soaked, rolled-up copies of the Pioneer Press
Designated Hitters
# Name B/T Ht Wt DOB
52 Byung Ho Park R/R 6'1" 220lbs 7/10/86 Good hitter shitty tattoos

I'm drunk.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Twins Stink

The Twins flat out stink. I've been to 2 games this week (which is almost all of the games so far) and they have scored for me a combined 1 (ONE) run.  I've been thinking a lot about the Twins lately since I love baseball and they're my favorite team so here are some things.

What if they start like 0-45???  Like what would happen? How many games would it take for everyone in the organization to be fired?  Like at 0-30, would Molitor get fired or what's the number?  I think at like 0-40, they would finally start getting attention from Jim Pohlad, kind of like when a really rich kid whose dad is always out of town on business gets really bad grades one quarter and they get faxed (faxed?) to his dad who's on a fancy business trip in Hong Kong then he calls his kid and is like "what the fuck, Blake? (Blake a name of kids who have rich fancy parents)"  All just a long con to finally get some fucking attention from his pops.  At 0-57, I think Molitor has already stopped coming to work and Terry Ryan would have to move into a nursing home in Lakeville.  At 0-70 I think there's a cyanide giveaway night and the 4000 remaining fans perform a ritual suicide after Kurt Suzuki's ceremonial pop out to the first baseman in the 4th inning.

I think if they set the record for most consecutive losses to start a season, the Twins should go on a 3 year probationary period where they aren't allowed to send a player to the All Star Game and instead the team must play a 3 game series over the break with the reigning Town Ball State Champions a la Mystery, Alaska.

My senior year of the high school, the basketball team made it to the section final and some of my friends who were on the team told me the day before, they practiced cutting down the nets so they could envision themselves winning the game.  The Twins should do this.  The Twins should have a practice tomorrow afternoon where they put a guy on the mound and simulate winning a game.  He pitches, they fake win, and the catcher runs out and high fives the closer.  The outfielders do their goofy jump hip bump thing in center field and then everyone meets on the mound to high five each other before going to the clubhouse where SURPRISE Torii Hunter is back with the smoke machine and some fire jams.  PRACTICE DANCE PARTY.  LET'S FUCKING GO.

That, or there should be a players only batting practice at the St. Thomas field.  We did this before the wood bat tournament in Hibbing when I was a freshman and sophmore in our full uniforms before the night game.  Upper classmen pitched to the starting lineup in order, then the bench guys and the other guys shagged and talked about who on the team's sister each guy wanted to have sex with.  Also, everyone was required to chew or they were called a pussy.  (CC Tim Scott, please don't give me retroactive weeks for this, or do I don't care). Then we would do a car train to the park and drive around Hibbing in a line of like 12 cars honking our horns like general assholes.  

What if the Twins did an Opening Day redo.  Just a random game when they're say 0-18 where before the game the announce full rosters and staffs of both teams and parade them around.  Get the fucking strength coach and the fucking hot dog vendors out there and then do a national anthem with a huge fucking flag and just try this shit over again.

I wonder if there's a guy in the clubhouse that no one really likes.  They could just scapegoat him.  Molitor wouldn't even pull him into his office, just have a big announcement when everyone's in the clubhouse.  Ricky (Nolasco, it's definitely Nolasco), pack up your shit, your contract has been sold to the last place team in the Mexican League.  Kind of like when in The Office, the branches merge and Dwight wants Michael to fire someone on the first day to establish dominance.  Now that I've typed this out it doesn't seem plausible but fuck it.

Let's just try harder tomorrow guys.  Go Twins!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Fred Smoot's AMA

Minnesota Vikings legend and Lake Minnetonka enthusiast Fred Smoot did an AMA and even though he's in his 40s now he's still out of his fucking mind.  

Who fucking says that?  Prostitutes and HGH, that's what the 2005 Minnesota Vikings do.

Read: Dan Snyder pays my bills.  One of my favorite boycotts is my Johnny Rocket's boycott because fucking Snyder owns it.  Never underestimate the power of a good boycott, Schafer singlehandedly got Chicken Fries back in the BK Lounge near you.

Also, Smoot saying the players fuck with Jay Gruden is such an incredible seal of approval.  I bought some clothes this weekend and the black dude at the register told me I bought a "nice fit."  I think if a black dude said "I fuck with you" I would just drop dead of self-satisfaction.

Manziel's next step is basically what I wish my life could be--sitting courtside and NBA games, sidelines for NCAA games, partying in Vegas, jetsetting all over the world, and spending my parents' (hypothetical) oil money.  If the NFL doesn't work out for Johnny (that's like me saying "if this diet doesn't work out for me), his life is gonna be fine.

LOVE calling strip clubs scrip clubs.  Ever since I was exposed to Hot 104.1 in St. Louis, they haven't been streets to me, they been screets.

Imagine being the guy who is gonna go to Deja Vu and drop Fred Smoots name.

I love reddit.  It's truly the internet version of people watching.  This dude's sitting at his computer just like "how can I get Ryan from Accounting to stop clowning on me, I bet Smoot knows."  Like who is this guy?

Making fun of your friends who are balding is never not funny.

I wish there were hosts at scrip clubs.  "Cocksmith, party of 12?  Cocksmith, party of TWELVE!"

I believe it was Tupac who said "You claim to be a playa but I fucked yo wife."

Smoot's still a savage.

My jaw hit the keyboard.  Imagine being someone who says this.

PS--if I had a time machine, I would 100% go back to the Love Boat.  Signature moment in Minnesota sports history.  

PPS--Imagine how many kids Adrian Peterson would have had nine months after the Love Boat.  Could roster a whole Pop Warner team.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Internal Musings During a Reading Of This Article

This is a really bad article posted on Fox Sports Wisconsin:

10 Things Only a Green Bay Packer Fan Would Understand

Original article in italics, me in bold

By James CarltonSep 18, 2014 at 12:45p ET
Over the course of the franchise's largely successful 95 years of existence,Green Bay Packers fans have had plenty to cheer -- and cheers -- about.
LOL cheers nice
There's the 13 titles (nine NFL championships and four Super Bowl victories), which are more than any other team.
There's the legendary coach with the fabled quotes, Vince Lombardi, for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named.
It makes me so fucking sick to my stomach that the goddamn NFL trophy is named after their coach and we can't win it.  God damn it.
There's the trifecta of exceptional quarterbacks, Bart Starr and Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, the last two of whom have provided the franchise more than two decades of sustained winning.
Fuck you guys.  Tavaris, Joe Webb, Ponder, Cassel, fuck.
There's the home stadium, Lambeau Field, the oldest venue in the NFL, considered a hallowed ground of triumph on tundra.
And there's the pride and pleasure that comes from Green Bay being the smallest market in American professional sports, yet having arguably (or incontrovertibly, if you asked them) the most loyal and passionate fans in football.
I wasn't alive, but when the Packers fucking STUNK before Favre was around, I don't think they were as loyal, but let's move on.
Indeed, Packers supporters have had a lot to savor. But it hasn't always been perfectly grilled tailgate brats and annual division titles for Green Bay fans. There's a lot more to being a Packers fan than just Cheeseheads, championships and chilly weather.
I just puked my guts out.
So without further ado, but with fitting adulation, here are the . . .
1. Being the Meatpackers
Green Bay's football franchise isn't named for some generic animal or drab color (sorry, almost every other NFL team, and Cleveland). The name comes from its first sponsor, the Indian Packing Company, which in 1919 gave $500 to employee Curly Lambeau for uniforms and equipment for the football team he'd founded.
An infinitely better investment than buying Packer stock.
A year later, Indian was purchased by the Acme Packing Company, which continued to support the team. So the Packers have, since their formation, been a nod to the canned meatpacking industry that helped launch them. Sure beats being named after just another big cat.
2. The Ice Bowl was the original "Miracle on Ice"
This is so fucking insulting to Jimmy Craig and Mike Eruzione, and the Iron Rangers, and all Americans.  
In 1967, on New Year's Eve, Green Bay and Dallas met at Lambeau Field in the NFL Championship Game. It was and still is the coldest game in the history of the league, with a kickoff temperature of 15 degrees below zero and a wind chill of almost 50 below.
After Lambeau Field's turf-heating system malfunctioned and the field tarp was removed before the game, the moisture on the ground froze and created an icy surface that worsened as the day went on and the stadium's shadows grew. The marching band members' instruments froze to their lips (so the performance was canceled); the referees' whistles froze to theirs (so they used only voice commands). Multiple players suffered frostbite.
But with 16 seconds remaining in the game and the Cowboys ahead 17-14, the Packers had the ball inside the Dallas 1-yard line on third down. Bart Starr called a timeout and was told by Vince Lombardi, "Run it, and let's get the hell out of here." Starr called a quarterback sneak and, behind right guard Jerry Kramer (who Packers fans understand belongs in the Hall of Fame), ran in for the game-winning touchdown.
Since it was played on a frozen surface 13 years before the 1980 Olympics, and because it was only the semifinals -- the winner of the NFL Championship played the winner of the AFL Championship, which was the Oakland Raiders, for Super Bowl II (and the Packers were victorious) -- the Ice Bowl comeback was not just one of the greatest football games ever. It was, with all due respect to Team USA Hockey, the original "Miracle on Ice."
Fuck yourself.
3. LeRoy was the first Leaper
The Lambeau Leap is as cherished a touchdown celebration as there is in football (or, at least, it's better than the Sharpie).
At least the Sharpie was clever.
 But it wasn't an offensive player that invented the Leap, even though former Packers wide receiver Robert Brooks popularized it.
Safety LeRoy Butler was the first player to jump into the adoring arms of Packers fans in the end-zone stands, doing so after he scored a defensive touchdown in 1993. And even though it wasn't known as the "Lambeau Leap" until later, the move's legitimacy was evinced after the NFL grandfathered it into the new rules in 2000 that banned excessive celebrations.
"We get to break the rules because we're so awesome and deserve it!"
Some opposing players have tried to do the Lambeau Leap, but they're always shoved back. Green Bay fans know only a Packer is allowed to Leap.
4. You can be a part-owner, but you can't get season tickets
The only publicly owned, non-profit sports organization in the United States, the Packers have more than 360,000 stockholders that collectively own more than five million shares of stock. The franchise's original articles of incorporation establish that there can be no financial gain for shareholders. The team has held stock sales a few times in its history, most recently in 2011, where any individual can buy in (in 2011 a share of Packers stock cost $250).
While it's essentially just a piece of paper -- Packers stock doesn't come with the rights and privileges of regular stock and has no economic value
He is bragging that Packer fans are bad investors
-- Green Bay fans are proud to frame and display their shareholder certificates in their man caves, living rooms and front hallways.
Why don't they just print one out?  Idiots.
But while they can become a part-owner of the team they love, Packers fans cannot -- at least for the next millennium or so -- buy season tickets to see the team they love. Every Packers game for the past 54 years has been sold out and the team's season-ticket waiting list has nearly 90,000 people on it. It's said that the average wait time to get season tickets is about 30 years; but given the team's estimate that less than 100 tickets a year actually turn over, a hopeful fan that added his/her name to the list today would have to wait more than 950 years to receive theirs. Packers fans commonly pass their season tickets down to family members in their wills. They understand that while they're giving up their seats, they're getting an even better view.
Is he serious with this line?
5. Never mention the name "Tony Mandarich" or the words "fourth-and-26"
In 1989, the Packers had the second overall pick in the draft and they used it on hulking offensive lineman Tony Mandarich. Considered the best offensive-line prospect ever, Mandarich turned out to be one of the biggest draft busts in NFL history. Arrogant, lazy and, it was later revealed, a steroid user, Mandarich was cut after three seasons.
What makes the pick even worse for Packers fans is that, when Green Bay selected Mandarich No. 2, the team passed on future Hall of Famers Barry Sanders, Derrick Thomas and Deion Sanders, among others. Ouch.
Also atop the list of things that will make Cheeseheads stick their fingers in their ears and yell "Lalalala" are the words "fourth-and-26," a reference to the infamous play in 2004 during a divisional playoff game between the Packers and Eagles. Green Bay led 17-14 late in the fourth quarter when Philadelphia, with no timeouts, faced fourth down and 26 yards to go.
Without going into too much painful detail, suffice it to say Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb completed a pass to receiver Freddie Mitchell -- amid abhorrent coverage (looking at you, Darren Sharper) -- that was somehow just enough for the first down. Soon after, kicker David Akers converted a field goal that tied the game. In overtime, after (of course) a Brett Favre interception, Akers made another field goal to give Philadelphia the victory.
Tony Mandarich and Freddie Mitchell, two first-round busts that both managed to rip out the hearts of Packers fans.
6. Drinks at Lambeau are either way too hot or way too cold
Anyone who's ever been at a Packers home game in winter and gotten out of his/her bleacher seat to get a beverage has had one, the other or both of the standard, horrible, drink-related experiences.
You're ice-cold and want to warm up with a nice hot chocolate, so you buy one, take a sip and -- OMG OW! It's scalding hot and you've now singed off much of your tongue and melted most of your mouth. Enjoy those delicious cheese curds with your eradicated taste buds!
Or, you're ice-cold and want to warm up by putting on a "booze blanket," so you go to the beer stand, purchase one, return to your seat and find that -- oh, terrific! -- your frosty brew is now literally frozen solid. Have fun chipping away at that beercicle for the next 45 minutes!
"We're better fans because we go out in the elements" *bitches for a whole paragraph about the cold*
7. Super Bowl XXXI was domination; Super Bowl XLV was destiny
"Destiny."  This is what makes Packer fans the worst.  They think they're superior people rather than people who just happen to root for a good team.
In 1996, the Packers, assembled by general manager Ron Wolf and coached by Mike Holmgren (who looked like a beached walrus), were a total football juggernaut. Led by quarterback Brett Favre, defensive lineman Reggie White and returner Desmond Howard, Green Bay was No. 1 in the league in offense, defense and special teams. The Packers were the first team since the 1972 Dolphins to lead the NFL in offense and defense in the same season.
That squad went 13-3, won its division, cruised through the playoffs and beat the New England Patriots for Green Bay's first Super Bowl title since the Lombardi era. It was a flex-your-muscles, dominant kind of season.
In 2010, the Packers, assembled by general manager Ted Thompson and coached by Mike McCarthy, were a Cinderella story of a team coming together late in the season and going on a magical run. Led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers, cornerback Charles Woodson and aided by several undrafted and street free agents (scrappy), Green Bay was ninth in the league in offense, fifth in defense and had decent special teams.
Despite 16 players on injured reserve, including seven starters, the Packers won the final two games of the regular season to sneak into the postseason as the No. 6 seed. There, they got Lambeau-hot-chocolate hot and proceeded to roll through the NFC playoffs, ultimately defeating the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl, with Rodgers being named the game's MVP. It was an against-all-odds, destined-to-be kind of season.
8. No. 4 was unforgettable, but going to Minnesota was unforgiveable
You guys ran him out of town.  
Brett Favre led Green Bay out of its 25-year-long dark age, winning three Most Valuable Player awards, capturing a Super Bowl and leading the Packers with a vigorously entertaining, excitingly unpredictable style that endeared him to fans for two decades.
That is, until he retired and unretired, retired and unretired again, went to New York to play for the Jets, and then committed the Packers-fan equivalent of a mortal sin. Favre went full turncoat when he crossed the border to Minnesota and wore the hated purple. Not only did he play for the Vikings, but in 2009 he beat the Packers twice -- including in his much-ballyhooed return to Lambeau – and led the Vikings to a 12-4 record and the NFC Championship Game, while going to the Pro Bowl.
After Favre left Green Bay on sour terms -- varying reports say either Thompson or McCarthy, or both, didn't want him back in 2008, choosing to go with young Rodgers -- there was a schism in Packer Nation. It seemed like half the fan base decried the decision to let the beloved Favre go, while half were tired of his indecision and wanted to see what Rodgers could do. Nearly all, though, considered playing for Minnesota an awful, treacherous, reprehensible betrayal.
9. Blaze orange, bikinis and the borderline blasphemous, all inside Lambeau
While most of the Lambeau Field faithful are adorned in green and gold, there are certainly plenty that choose to wear something else (or not much at all).
Late in the fall, after Wisconsin's deer hunting season has begun, it's quite common to see thousands of Packer fans dressed in blaze orange hunting gear. Many of them hunt earlier in the day before the game, while some just like the look.
Must be noted that it is a horrible look.
No matter what, they're assuredly not Bengals fans.
Then there's the cold-unfeeling bikini girls, who have been known to show up to games in just a teensy top and, usually, clever signs. Last season, when Rodgers was out with a broken collarbone, four girls in bikinis held up signs that said: "Rodgers out? You gotta 'bikini' me!"
It was late November and the temperature was below 20 degrees.
And, of course, St. Vince. A diehard fan who wears a green robe and Packers vestments, a bishop's headdress depicting the smiling face of Vince Lombardi and a papal Cheesehead staff, St. Vince is adored in the stands and often shown on television. Sacrilegious? Not if it's the Packers you worship.
They really think they're God's team.  Packer fans are the "won't you think of the children" lady on The Simpsons.
10. Green Bay exists for Packers football
Most of the year, Green Bay is a perfectly nice, low-key Wisconsin city of about 100,000 people that's off the beaten path and generally lacking in the major goings-on department.
Besides wrongful convictions and coverups. But for eight days a year (not counting preseason or playoffs), when the Packers have a home game, it becomes a lively and bustling place to be, a happening hub of commercial activity, media attention and jam-packed-crowd excitement, a land of a hundred front-yard-converted parking lots and a thousand smoky tailgates, of back-and-forth-tossed pigskins, reverberating "Go Pack Go!" chants and green and gold and guts and grins. Because when the home team plays football, Packers fans understand Green Bay is the center of the universe.
They truly think the world revolves around the Packers.

Go Vikings.

Making A Murderer Thoughts

Like the rest of the free world, I finished watching Making A Murderer this weekend in a total of like 4 sittings for the 10 hour-long episodes.  The only thing I could think of the entire time (besides the obvious feelings of watching a gross miscarriage of justice unfold in front of my eyes) was that all parties involved are Packer fans.  Seriously, the people that live here should be absolutely ashamed of their government.  I say it like that because I like throwing hard shade at Wisconsin whenever possible, but it's scary to think that this type of thing (probably not this extent) can and probably does elsewhere.  

I'm not a lawyer, and I'm certainly not smart enough to speak on the issues at hand here with any real legitimacy behind it, so I will leave that to the real adults, but I am certainly going to make fun of these fucks.  Without further ado, a list, in no particular order, of people from Making A Murderer who deserve to get punched in the fucking face.

Len Kachinsky, Brendan Dassey's public defender, either corrupt, stupid, or both.

Seriously FUCK Len Kachinsky.  This fucking idiot let his client (a 16 year old kid with learning disabilities) get interviewed by two detectives who clearly had an agenda who fed him their story and then bullied him into a bullshit confession when they didn't get what they wanted.  The kid was railroaded, and the public defender allowed it to happy with a dopey fucking smile on his face.  This fuck looks like William H. Macy's character in Fargo and he may even be a worse guy.

Second point--you know how sometimes people write their grocery lists or a phone number in pen on the back of their hand so they can remember?  I think that everyone should get the word "LAWYER!!!!" tattooed on the back of their hand so that they remember what to do in case they ever get arrested.

Mike Halbach, Theresa's brother, victim, easily manipulated idiot.

I didn't even know this fucking smug idiot worked for the Packers but it's too perfect.  Now obviously I have a lot of sympathy for this guy because he lost a family member in the worst possible way.  But the way that he grandstanded around during the trial, the way that he stood up for press conferences and openly rooted for Steve Avery and Brendan Dassey to get convicted was just too much for me.  There was not nearly enough evidence to satisfy "beyond reasonable doubt" yet he was just so certain that they had the right guys.  The prosecution played him like a fiddle and he got taken hook, line, and sinker.

Fuck the Packers.

Aaron Rodgers, quarterback, lameo try hard

Whoops how did that get there?

Michael O'Kelly, Kachinsky's investigator, blubbering fuckhead.

When poor Brendan maintained his innocence, this fuck bullied him into ANOTHER bullshit confession and then called Kachinsky after and almost dislocated his shoulder patting himself on the back.  I hope he has a hard time living with himself.  I hope he is sad forever.  Started crying over a ribbon on the stand in the appeal of Dassey's conviction.  Fuck this guy and his stupid fucking mustache.

Fassbender, detective, fuckhead

Coerced a special needs minor into a bullshit confession.  Was a pawn in a conspiracy and didn't even realize it.  Suck 500 dicks, Fassbender, you fuck.

Ken Kratz, DA of Calumet County, misogynist creep.

Ken Kratz probably smells like Miller Lite and sadness.  He is a fat disgusting fuck and an embarrassment to the law.  He was later outed as a total creep by targeting domestic violence victims for sex.  There is no one in the state of Wisconsin who deserves the business end of a World Star video more than he does.

I think the theory that makes the most sense to me about the show is that Avery was framed and to me the smoking gun is the blood vial with a hole in it like a needle was stuck in there, coupled with the blood in Theresa's car that was unaccompanied by finger prints.  Lenk and Colborn in my mind killed Theresa and planted the evidence in retaliation for the lawsuit.  Fire take?  Probably, but I've already prefaced this by saying I'm in no way qualified to give an opinion worth listening to, so I just make lists of people I wanna punch and leave the real issues here to the adults. 

I feel so, so, so bad for poor Brendan.  His whole life was ahead of him and he was railroaded because he was an easy target for the police in my mind.  He did  not have the mental capacity to even comprehend what was happening to him and that's why he made such a perfect target.  My heart sank when he confessed to the murder and then he called his mom and asked her is she would tape WWE for him that night so he could watch it later.  He just utterly did not understand what was happening.  No one deserves a competent defense more than he does, the person who cannot defend himself, and he was let down by the system.  I'm left with such a bad taste in my mouth.