So it’s pretty obvious to anyone that knows me that I love baseball more than a fat kid loves cake (s/o 50 Cent). I mean, I’ll watch a Padres-Diamondbacks August game where neither team has been relevant since before Memorial Day. I get truly excited to spend my own money to go to Target Field in late September for a Cole DeVries start. That being said, while watching all my baseball, my mind wanders. I wonder which players like or dislike each other. I wonder what kind of snide comments all Matt Garza’s teammates make about him. I wonder what Brian Wilson orders at McDonalds (2 cheeseburger meal, drinks Mello Yello, wild card). I wonder about the last time Yonder Alonso bought an Affliction tee. I wonder if Caleb Thielbar has ever had a serious girlfriend. Maybe I have ADD, I don’t know, but it’s funny (to me at least). My favorite thing to brainstorm is what job each player looks like he would have if he wasn’t a baseball player. Here are some of my thoughts (side note—if I ever offer you “some of my thoughts” on something, run the other way as fast you can, fair warning):
Joe Mauer—youth pastor
Mauer’s Uncle Abe honesty and all-around unwavering integrity scream youth pastor at your local Catholic Church. The Mauer drinks Land O Lakes instead of beer jokes work with my view of him. I remember someone at a confirmation thing I had to do once getting up in front of 100+ kids rolling their eyes and explaining that even though we really wanted to bang the girl we brought to dinner (Applebees) and a movie (something with Will Ferrell) in 10th grade, we shouldn’t, because she will be someone’s wife someday. Also I can definitely picture him wearing a long sleeve American Eagle polo at age 27 and saying something like, “thanks to the cafeteria staff for that wonderful meal of sloppy joes, potato cakes, and jello. Now let’s bow our heads in prayer.”
Drew Butera—Apple Store employee
Drew Butera is not particularly good at baseball. If baseball personnel would have realized this before he hit the major leagues (I wish baseball personnel would have made the same mistake with me just fyi), he would have gone to whatever his state’s version of St. Cloud State is, gotten a degree in business, not finance, not accounting, not marketing, just business, and then been unemployed for 18 months before swallowing his pride and getting a job at his local mall’s Apple Store. His combination of good looks and yuppieness make him the perfect Apple Store employee. He really, really thinks you should buy $30 of extra Cloud space.
Heath Bell—used car salesman
Heath Bell wears bad suits. He knows everything about the changes in production that happened on Oldsmobiles between 1994 and 1995. He agrees with you, middle aged father looking for a reliable car for your daughter to drive to school and marching band practice, that, yes, this Cutlass Supreme always was an underrated model, and since this particular number was only owned for 11 years by an elderly woman that, yes, it was indeed kept in great condition until her unfortunate move to Guardian Angels Nursing Home. It’s fuel efficient. It’s safe. It’s economical. He can even wiggle on the price tag of $3200. Heath Bell is a used car salesman.
Eric Sogard—cool high school English teacher
It’s the glasses. You know this guy was the high school athlete, like the guy in American Pie that blew off his last lacrosse game in order to sing in the choir and chase down the girl he liked. He’s got a real sensitive side to him. In college, he fell in love with smoking weed and American Classics was the only class he would show up for. 5 and a half years later, he had a degree. Guy fell in love with Southern Gothic style writing, and Hunter S. Thompson just speaks to him, you know. Now, he hands out copies of The Great Gatsby and wants everyone to cherish the first time they read this marvel. He rides a bike to work. Also, every good looking girl in your class has the biggest crush on him, even though he dates the hot economics teacher.
Nick Swisher—Bartender in Panama City who loves his job
Nick Swisher is a bigger bro than the president of your friendly neighborhood frat. I mean, if you’re early twenties, that’s fine. I mean, it’s annoying, but generally socially acceptable. But Nick Swisher is on the downhill side of his career. He’s mid-30s though. But he still wants to be 22. So he did what anyone faced with a third life crisis does (well, not really), he moved to Panama City and got a job bartending for college kids during spring break. You didn’t really ask him, but he just fell in love with it here, bro, and this is the only life he can imagine. He still dresses like he’s 22 and every year on the first night, he can’t wait to get to work and check out the talent, bro.
That’s enough for now, except as an aside, I’d like to say that I really wanted to write one about Josh Hamilton working at a Circuit City while smoking a bunch of weed and hooking up with girls who are generally wild cards well into his mid-30’s. Like he’s essentially Seth Rogan’s character in 40 Year Old Virgin, but I thought it would be bad taste given his history essentially doing that for 4 years, save for the job selling RCAs.