Thursday, September 4, 2014

Vikings Season Preview (DEPRESSION)

Guess what you guys, there’s football tonight!  I mean, it is two of the teams I can’t stand the most, but the Seahawks are good, so the Packers might lose, and the misery of Packer fans is good for morale as a whole.  Anyways, I’m not going to write about how much I hate Aaron Rodgers’ stupid smug face or that big fatso Andy Reid-impersonator Mike McCarthy (not much anyways), I’m going to instead write about my beloved (reviled?) Vikings, who are as a general rule going to be bad again (unless they’re good, that would be fun).  Before my preview though, I’d like to unveil my idea of regional Monday Night Football theme songs. 

That means every market gets its own version of the song.  Hank Williams, Jr. wouldn’t be able to sing them all though because he is too busy hating gay people and Democrats (more on this later (not really)).  In Minnesota, there are some good artists that could play the song.  Bob Dylan is from Hibbing.  Prince wrote a crappy song about the Vikings once.  Atmosphere is a thing.  But since the theme of the Minnesota MNF song is depressing, I’m going to have to say that GB Leighton is the artist of this particular version because when I hear his/their music, I get depressed.  Remember that Twins Territory song?  That sucked.  Anyways, it would go like this.

Bum bu-bu bummmmm da na da na
Da da da da dada, duuuuu nuuuuu nuuuuu nuuuuuuu
Are you ready
Are you ready
Are you ready, ready
Are you ready for some DEPRESSION?
Some Monday night misery
Hey, this is "Rocking" Randall Hank
Ready to get the mild distractions from the cold weather started
We got the teams on the field
And we turned down the lights
All my rowdy friends are back for Monday night

So yeah that’s pretty much all I have come up with so far, except for this: remember when at the end of the song when we were kids the helmets of the two teams would collide into a big explosion?  I was thinking for the beginning of Vikings games, there could just be a big Vikings helmet spontaneously combust inside the Metrodome, causing the roof to collapse and snow cover the field.  What's that, the sound of TV executives lighting cigars and green lighting it?  That's what I just heard.

Offense Preview
Quarterback: Matt Cassel is the starter, Teddy Bridgewater is the backup and he’s pretty cool, but it’s important to note that Christian Ponder is still on the roster, and if he sees any time on the field, you can find me in my bedroom crying.  Hey Ponder, has anyone ever told you that you might be a lefty?  Just a thought.  Best case scenario—Cassel plays really well with good weapons all around him and the Vikings are good!  Worst case scenario—Ponder does Ponder throw punt things while my roommate says things like, “you know, he throws a pretty good ball, he just can’t throw it very far.”  Or this:
Sorry, everyone.

Running Back: 

etc, etc, etc

Receiver: Cordy Patterson is really, really fun (#analysis).  Also, Greg Jennings has a pulse and proved as such once a professional quarterback started playing last year (not to beat a dead horse, but thx alot PONDER).  Also, Kyle Rudolph is good and he just got a raise, which is nice for him, I'm sure.  I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that John Carlson is gone, which means all that came from his tenure in purple is one epic freakout I had last year in game 2 when he fielded a squib kick at the end of the game against the Bears and rather than just go down and give the offense a chance for a hail mary, he proceeded to try and run it back, and fumble the fucking ball in the process.  In my rant after the game, I compared me being mad at the Vikings to a dog owner being mad at his dog taking a shit on the floor every day.  You can be mad at the dog, but after a while whose fault is it, really?

Offensive line: I can't break much down on the offensive line, because I don't actually know a lot about the intricacies of football (I'm what they call a rube), but I do know that I saw Matt Khalil at Canterbury Park for the Kentucky Derby one year, and he is indeed a large human (confirmed).  Also, I have to mention one of my favorite athletes of all time, Bryant McKinnie, who used to be an offensive lineman for the Vikings (topical).  I loved him because he made millions and millions of dollars, yet had the money saving strategy of a homeless person.  The guy literally blew like $50 million buying champagne and hookers.  He produced my favorite line in my favorite wikipedia article of all time too. "McKinnie allegedly picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar and performed cunnilingus on her in front of the crew and other guests."  Awesome, just awesome.  Also, unpopular Minnesota opinion alert--Matt Birk is kind of a cock.

Defensive line: I have no idea if these guys are supposed to be any good, but Sharrif Floyd kind of sucked last year.  Also, Brian Robison and Everson Griffen were locked up to big contract extensions, which seems like a questionable idea at best.  Anytime you can give a guy with less than 20 career sacks in 4 years $42 million and $20 million guaranteed, you have to do it.  

Linebackers: They kind of suck.  Chad Greenway used to be good (not great), but most middle aged Vikings fans hold him in higher regard than Joe Mauer (read: they're idiots).  The linebackers are supposed to be the heart of the defense (I just made that up I think) but last year, they allowed a lot of plays like this to happen.
I will use literally any excuse to post this video.
Defensive backs: Xavier Rhodes was a huge disappointment.  Marcus Sherels kind of sucks.  I'm not even sure AJ Jefferson knows the difference between a post pattern and a math textbook.  At least they cut Chris Cook, who was as bad at football as he was at not beating his girlfriend.  Among their other notable cuts is Mistral Raymond, who I will personally miss because I will no longer be able to make the joke about his name actually being Missedtackle Raymond.  So long, sweet prince.

Special teams: Blair Walsh is really good, actually a nice job by Spielman for getting him in the 5th round.  A good kicker is really valuable if you have a good team (I'm just saying things now, I have no idea how much it actually matters), and Cordy Patterson will run back no fewer than 3 kicks for touchdowns, which save for Adrian rumbling for an 80 yard TD is the most exciting play in football to me.  However, their coach sounds like he's a real dick, and that sucks.

Week 1 prediction: fuck it, maybe we will win, I don't know.

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