Monday, June 23, 2014

Troy Williamson's Mailbox

Hey everyone!  Sorry for the long hiatus from the blog.  It’s been a while and a lot has happened, and since I last wrote, people have been clamoring to hear my piping hot sports takes on the happenings of the days—imagine that!  My email inbox is stuffed full of questions, some even from some famous people which took me by surprise.  Without further ado, the first Troy Williamson’s Mailbox:

Q: Hey idiot!  Why haven’t you written anything in a while?  Finally give up?  HAHAHAHAH
-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN
Wow, what an asshole.  Nope, haven’t given up yet, but I have been pretty busy finishing up school and starting my summer as an office slave intern.  I didn’t feel like writing, sue me!  (But actually don’t do that at all plz)

Q: Hey Jim, The World Cup is a thing that is happening.   What do you think about that?  You are so handsome.
-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN
Thanks!  But after watching some of these soccer games, I don’t know if I agree!  Is there some kind of rule that every elite level soccer player must have absolute immaculate hair at all times?  I’m pretty sure Christiano Ronaldo’s stylist works on him more than the team’s trainer.  It’s very emasculating knowing that you absolutely can’t compete at that level in the hair game.  I’m getting a fresh new cut tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I’m going to just throw in the towel and get a bowl cut because I am absolutely overmatched.  Can’t compete. 

As for the real soccer being soccered out on the soccer fields between the soccer teams, I’ve only really watched the US games, and was thoroughly disappointed yesterday when pretty boy Ronaldo kicked us all right between the nuts.  Beyond that I have no real analysis because I have never once played a soccer game.  Ever!

Q: Hi buddy, I’ve missed you!  The All-Star Celebrity Softball Rosters were announced today.  Who are you the most excited to see, and who do you wish was included?  Thanks, I’m a big fan!
-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN
Thanks guy, I think I would like you too if I were to meet you!  Indeed, the rosters for the true mid-summer classic were announced today, and if you follow me on twitter, you already know who I’m most excited to see by far, and that is the lovely and talented Melanie Iglesias.  I’m going to be in the same ballpark as her, in person!  On second thought, maybe I should try to get a really slick haircut and not just punt the whole not looking like a gomer thing.  I wonder if she is into redheads who play amateur baseball and periodically blog.  Only one way to find out, and that is obviously to run out on the field and ask her in the middle of play.
For your viewing pleasure:

As far as the second question, there are too many celebrities that I wish could be included in the game, because it’s not exactly the *most* star-studded cast out there.  Near the top of my wish list would have to be Babe Ruth, because I bet he could hit the fuck out of a softball, but he’s dead, so he won’t be able to make it.  I also think it would be pretty cool if Bob Dylan came back to Minnesota to play in it, maybe he could bring a guitar up to the plate—what a ruse that would be!  Bobby D you jokester you!  Another guy I wish was involved this year due to its close proximity to the Fourth of July is George Washington because I would like to give him a standing ovation, but he’s been dead for a number of years as well!
Q: Do I suck now?  People are so mean to me on Twitter.  :(
-Joe in St. Paul, MN
Hey, Joe, thanks for reading.  Tell Gardy I’m sorry for all the mean things I say about him, I’m sure he’s a nice guy!  I don’t think you suck.  You have sucked this year, sure, but I am pretty sure you are just dealing with some lingering issues from your concussion last August rather than have somehow forgot how to be an elite hitter over the course of a few months.  Keep in mind it took Justin Morneau (your old roommate, remember him?) years before he finally figured out how to be a valuable hitter again after his derailing concussion in Toronto (burn in hell, John McDonald).  I’m cautiously confident that you will bounce back because you have 10 years of evidence that says you are much better than this.  As for the meanies on Twitter, “people throw rocks at things that shine”—Taylor Swift. 
Q: You’ve been on record as hating country music.  Is that still true?
-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN
That is not true at all.  I have softened considerably in that stance, mainly because listening to country reminds me of Spring Break in Florida, and Spring Break in Florida reminds me of partying my dick off on the beach, so therefore country music reminds me of partying at the beach (transitive property—my Math minor is already paying off).  The only qualm I have with country music has to do partly with context and partly with its message.  I listen to a bunch of it at my cubicle summer internship, where I have zero view of a window whatsoever, so when I hear the party country songs, I’m basically hearing lyrics along the lines of “Keep scanning those documents, fucker!  The weekend is still 3 days away and it’s 11 a.m.”  So that’s kind of depressing.  The other qualm I have with it is the fact that half the songs are about being in love with a beautiful woman, etc, etc, and I really can’t relate because every female I have ever met has hated my guts within 2 weeks of meeting me (citation needed).
Q: What should I do regarding Kevin Love?
-Flip in Minneapolis, MN

You know what, Flip, that’s supposed to be your job, but the fact that you are asking some idiot with a blogspot account what to do with the most valuable asset the Wolves have had since KG is a pretty big indictment on your competence.  Anyways, if I were you, I would keep talking to GS about Klay Thompson with no actual intention of obtaining him in a deal for Love.  I don’t think Klay is good enough to headline a deal for a Love.  He’s a fine piece, but not someone you want to have to pay the max in a year.  Instead, I would hope that leaks about the impending deal will cause another team to panic, and I would get on my knees and start praying that Cleveland is the team that panics and offers the #1 pick for Love.  The other thing that I would for sure do, and this is ancillary, is demand that JJ Barea is a part of the deal as well because the idea that Love is unable to escape JJ makes me chuckle.  Other than that, I would probably wait out the Carmelo Anothony market and try and deal Love to whoever misses out on Melo.  I would not under any circumstance enter Opening Night with him on roster.  Just rip the band-aid off, Flip.  

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