Monday, February 24, 2014

Preposterous Statement Tourney VI Canterbury Card Casino Region

Canterbury Card Casino Region
1. Kevin Gorg said “You’re almost better off with a guy like Ponder because you’ve got Adrian Peterson.” OVER the winner of the say-in game.
Christian Ponder’s historic ineptitude has been the theme of this whole tournament and this regrettable quote by perennial contender and PST Hall of Famer Kevin Gorg is no different.

9. Chris Cook said “Jamarca Sanford and Harrison Smith are great guys, and I feel our secondary could be one of the best in the league especially if we stay together and build on our bond that we already have.” OVER 8. Richard Pitino said “I believe this is one of the best basketball jobs in the country.”
It’s pretty laughable that Richard would say that a school with no practice facility is one of the best jobs in the nation, but you have to consider who cuts him a check twice a month.  On the other hand, Chris Cook publicly saying anything other than “I plead not guilty, Your Honor” is irreverent and irrelevant.  In fact, the first step towards having a good secondary is probably to cut him, which makes this comment as close to 180 degrees from the truth as any in this tournament.

5. Mike Wobschall compared Xavier Rhodes and Chris Cook to Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie OVER 12. Dick Bremer said the Tigers 5th starter Rick Porcello “would be the front man in most American League rotations.” Note: he had 6.28 ERA at the time and his career ERA is 4.66.
Another really even, rivalry matchup between two of the goliaths of the preposterous statement game and two of the main themes of the tournament (and my life).  It’s possible that I’ve just been beaten over the head with too many outrageous quotes from Twins people related to the pitching staff, but I just think that saying anyone in the Vikings secondary not named Harrison Smith is remotely competent deserves at least a birth in the round of 32.  Side note: would a tournament like this work better or worse in a city like Boston or San Francisco where the teams in town are that much more competent on every level than those in this area?  Personally I think it works way better here than it ever could anywhere else because it’s so easy to have something ridiculous slip out when trying to talk positively in any manner about any of the teams in this town.  They just all suck.  That’s what makes these fields so deep and makes for great tournaments.  These are the preposterous statements that were prodigies, born into greatness (of sorts) and blossoming into truly elite quotes.  As Texas is to football talent, the Twin Cities is to preposterous statements.

4. Tom Cruise “My work as an actor is as hard as fighting in Afghanistan.” OVER 13. Michael Russo said “a goalie loses 5-10 pounds per game.”
If you think that’s the case Tom, I know a few people that would probably be open to trading careers.

11. Ben Leber “The NFL, in regards to their due diligence, is rivaled only by the CIA and the government.” OVER 6. Dave St. Peter said, “There isn’t a group of people more committed to winning than the Pohlads.”
The NFL, the same league that up until about 3 years ago was sending concussed-as-fuck players back on to the field if they could state their own name.  Yep, lots of due-diligence going on on the player health front.

3. George Stewart Vikings WR coach said, “It’s hard taking Jerome Simpson out of the offense.  It’s sort of like Michael Jordan shooting 3’s and then deciding to bring in the backup guard.” OVER 14. Sid Hartman “Buy your Gopher football season tickets now because if you don’t they’ll be sold out.”
Now anyone who knows me knows I love Jerome Simpson.  Guy’s just a great character.  Doing flips for touchdowns, buying all the weed in the world, and acting like he’s the only guy in the world to ever get a first down.  Love it all.  But obviously no one needs me to explain to them why it’s preposterous to compare Jerome to Michael Jordan.

7. PA said that he can remember all of Adrian Peterson’s career runs and there are only 3 where he lowered the crown of his helmet. OVER 10. LEN III on Twins pitching coach Rick Anderson,”he has a great track record of helping pitchers with their mechanics.”
This one got a tough seeding in my opinion because it’s preposterous on multiple levels.  PA may have been hammered while he said this as people are known to claim ridiculous amounts of knowledge when they’re drunk.  Adrian Peterson has probably rushed the ball 1500-2000 times in his NFL career and yet PA is claiming he remembers every single one of them.  That’s ABSURD.  Do you know how many fucking HB dives he’s run up Matt Birk’s ass for a gain of -1?  More than anyone could ever remember.  That’s like Barry Bonds saying he remembers every at bat he’s ever had.  It’s just not possible.  On top of that, saying that AP has only lowered the crown of his helmet 3 (what a strangely precise number) times is hilarious.  All he does is lower the boom on motherfuckers out there crown first.  That’s his whole game.  The more you think about this quote, the better it gets.  I think this has the potential to make a long run in this tournament, but in reality will falter early because it is so underrated.

2. Ben Leber said waiting for training camp is like “waiting for death row.” OVER 15. Meat Sauce said he wouldn’t want Justin Morneau to have his back in a fight because “he looks super uncoordinated.”

Ben Leber REALLY hated training camp apparently.

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