Monday, February 17, 2014

Preposterous Statement Tournament VI Xfinity Region Picks

It’s a tradition unlike any other, and it’s upon us once again.  Yep, it’s time for the Preposterous Statement Tournament on the Common Man Progrum on KFAN yet again. All year, homers from across the metro area and around the country say things that are utterly ridiculous, and this is where they come to shine.  Real strong field this year, as years in which the Vikings falter and fall far short of expectations generally produce some astounding statements in hindsight.  Christian Ponder’s ineptitude is probably the dominant topic, but Adrian Peterson’s exaggerated (but still significant) dominance had a big hand in this field as well.  Another factor to consider is some of the hilarious comments from Twins brass and commentators about that club and its pitching in particular.  It’s as hilarious to look at as it was to was hard to watch.  Without further ado, here are my picks for the first round.

Xfinity Region

1. Paul Allen said “I believe the Minnesota Vikings will go to the NFC Title Game this year, and the team to go to the Super Bowl this year out of the NFC will either be us or the Atlanta Falcons.” OVER the winner of the say-in game.
PA sets the tone with this one early, as his blind homerism and purple Ray-Bans helped him spit this out during one of his preseason “Friday Football Feasts” in August.  Not a spectacular entry, but a very solid number one seed and consistent performer, much like a Duke. 

9. Jerry Kill on Richard Pitino “He’s taken the hard path and I like that.” OVER 8. NFL Ref Bernie Kukar explaining how refs are chosen for the Super Bowl “Normally they don’t take the guys that worked the championship games into the Super Bowl…they usually take them out of the first or second round of the playoffs because they don’t want a guy sitting around for 5 weeks not having any games to officiate—they could get a little rusty.”
These 8-vs-9 matchups are always the toughest to call, and it’s certain that NFL refs can get rusty over the course of a month before calling the Super Bowl is certainly preposterous in its own right, but saying Richard Pitino, the Gophers 31 year old men’s basketball coach has taken “the hard path” is simply absurd.  It’s certainly possible that Country Jer just doesn’t know anything about college basketball and doesn’t know who Rich’s dad is, but this is not unlike praising Jim Pohlad for taking the hard road to owning the Twins.  It must have been real tough for Jim making enough money to buy the Twins inheriting the Twins, much like it must’ve been pretty fucking hard for Rich to get into college coaching when his old man is literally one of the greatest college coaches of all time.

5. Mike Pelfrey “Sometimes the pitcher is the hardest guy to face.”  OVER 12. Brandel Chamblee one the 2-stroke penalty on Tiger Woods in the Masters, “This cast a dark shadow over the entire day of golf, over this entire event, but more importantly over his entire career for the rest of his life.”
This one kind of speaks for itself.  In Pelfrey’s defense, they’re all kind of the hardest guy to face, though.

4. Solomon Wilcots “There are some QBs that need playmakers and there are some that are playmakers.” regarding Christian Ponder. OVER 13. Jon Gruden on Josh Freeman’s struggles to understand the Vikings playbook, “This is very sophisticated, complex football.”
Soloman’s statement got a rough seeding from the Tournament Committee IMO, as it has the ceiling of a number one overall seed.  Think UConn the year they won as a 4 seed with Kemba Walker or perhaps even like the first Gator team that won it all with Horford and Noah.  4 seed is a travesty because this very well may be a HOF comment.  I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t call doing your 3-step-drop and then panicking when the first guy isn’t open 6 yards downfield and scrambling for fucking 3 yards playmaking, I call it utter futility. 

6. Stuart Scott called celebrity basketball game “one of the most anticipated events in sports”. OVER 11. Ray Edwards said to Common, “you worked your way to get to the top.”
Now for me personally, I don’t find this all that ridiculous because the Celebrity All-Star softball game during the MLB All-Star break and the NBA celebrity basketball game are two of my favorite events of the year.  I love seeing fucking Nick Cannon jack up threes and Terrell Owens get traded halfway through the game.  I can’t wait to see Michael Rappaport post up Ruth Riley on the low block.  So for me, it’s appointment fucking television.  But all you “normal” people out there literally couldn’t give two shits.

14. Dick Bremer “Correia is probably more upset he fell behind on the count 3-1 than giving up the HR.” OVER 3. Randi Kaye “I feel like every time I’m doing a news story it's like giving birth.”
Uh oh!  Upset city.  Real strong showing for Richard in this tournament and well deserved as he’s someone who I’ve long thought is an underrated titan of the preposterous statement game.  He may as well have said, "Jim is probably more upset this morning because he's hung over than he is after checking his balance and seeing he spent $120 last night."  D'ohhhhkay.  Nice matchup for the 14-seed here too, because I really don’t know what the fuck Randi Kaye meant by this.

7. Paul Charchian stated the opportunity for a fan to announce the Vikings 4th round draft pick would be “life changing.” OVER 10. John Bonnes said watching batting practice at Wrigley Field was a “top 5 moment” in his life.
This is a tough matchup, as Bonnes’ comment about BP at Wrigley Field is pretty hilarious in a vacuum, but I have to go with Charch calling this opportunity “life-changing.”  Life-changing how, Paul?  I can’t think of one fucking situation where this could possibly change a life in any manner.  Maybe backstage at the draft a groupie thinks you’re a player and you cheat on your wife or something.  That’s all I can come up with.  I’m speechless.

2. Mike Wobschall ( writer) said, “We don’t need Christian to be a 4,000 yard passer with 30 TDs.  That’s not what we’re going to be.  Leslie Frazier doesn’t want that.” OVER 15. Henry Lake said RGIII will be Rookie of the Year because, “we have been hit over the head with RGIII since the Subway commercials in training camp.”

Even though what Lake said here sounds exactly like something I said about Charles Woodson when he was on the Packers, Wobby wins this one going away.  Ask Leslie Frazier now whether he wishes he had a 4K yard passer, maybe he’d still be employed (as a head coach).

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