Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Things To Do Before Opening Day

MLB Opening Day is exactly Bronson Arroyo (61) days away.  That’s a little over two months from now, aka a long time.  That, coupled with the fact that it was in the -15 degree range when I walked to class this morning, I’m pretty much completely depressed.  Every time my roommate flicks on Golf Channel, I get this weird feeling where I’m half aroused by the beautiful green courses and I half want to go to the basement and throw back a few shots of bleach.  So yeah, it’s a pretty fucking dark time in Minnesota right now.  The good news is that once I started thinking of reasons not to go play tag on the Interstate, I actually thought of a lot of halfway decent distractions to get me through these 61 days until baseball starts and summer is well within my sights.  Here’s a list.

The Super Bowl—Super Bowl Sunday is in like 4 days.  It’s a great excuse to drink all day (Spring Semester at UST starts Monday aka the perfect day to be hung over in class), watch a ton of college basketball, murder some pizza and chicken wings (and the lock of locks, buffalo chicken dip which every chick in the country makes for Sunday), gamble on anything and everything, and generally do nothing but have fun and forget the fact that we are living in fucking Siberia with no end in sight for a day.  And I didn't even mention commercials.  I might sound like a chick here, but Super Bowl commercials are not-so-sneaky the best part of the whole day.  I consider myself an elite TV commercial mind, so Sunday is my day to shine making jokes and snide comments on Twitter.  O/U is 5.5 for number of followers I lose that day.

Winter Olympics—The whole month of February I’m gonna be absolutely consumed by the Olympics.  Not much better than watching some fucking downhill skiing or curling or luge at basically all hours of the night.  You gotta love some obscure sports every once in a while and basically all the Olympics do is make obscure sports relevant for a month every couple of years.  On top of that, there are tons of interesting pop culture things that happen during the Olympics.  Can’t fucking wait for all the Putin jokes about gay people not existing in Russia and some more goofy shit like the side by side shitters and just all the rest of the awesome Russia shit that’s going on.  So yeah the Olympics are pretty awesome, and I haven’t even mentioned the best hockey tournament in the world yet.
Fucking Russia

NBA All-Star Weekend—aka the “Black Super Bowl” where we get to see NBA players and entertainers awkwardly interact with each other for a whole weekend.  There’s not much more unintentionally funny than fucking like Michael Rappaport and Paul George having to do some interview together and being asked questions about each other.  Even though the All-Star Saturday Night is more played-out than Craig Sager wearing shitty suits, listening to Charles Barkley comment on the whole thing while almost undoubtedly ripping back some Cognac during commercial breaks is always fun.  Also, I have to mention one of my favorite random events of the year, the All-Star Celebrity Game, which pits unathletic 5’8’’ white actors against like goddamn Nick Cannon who’s (still famous?) actually pretty good and even a couple of washed up former players like Scottie Pippen or John Salley. 

Gopher Hockey—Newsflash, the Gophers have been ranked #1 in the country in the Pairwise and Coaches polls basically since the first Sioux UND cheap shot of the season back in October.  It’s too bad the WCHA is over and we won’t see the regular rivals unless we run into them in the NCAA Tournament, but this team is explosive on offense, stingy on defense, and overall just really good and fun to watch game in game out.  If any team in this market is poised to make a run at hanging a banner, it’s these guys.

State Hockey Tournament—Unlike the Gophers, who are hated by half the people who will read this post, the Tourney is something that everyone can agree on and it’s sneaking up on us.  March 6, when the puck drops on the AA tourney is only a little over 5 weeks away.  There’s not much better than going downtown in early March when 30 degrees and sunny feels like it’s knocking on the door of 50 and going to the bars and restaurants with fans from everywhere.  It’s just a great atmosphere and one of my favorite weekends of the year.

March Madness—The first day of March Madness, when a game tips every 20 minutes it seems from noon until 10 pm, is probably my favorite non-baseball sports day of the year.  There are always upsets and buzzer beaters and 4 games going on at a time, with games going down the stretch one after another for like 10 hours.  Bracket pools, a great gambling day, and the fact that at this point spring is generally starting up, it’s a pretty optimistic time of year. 

So yeah, things are looking pretty fucking bleak right now, but this is just around the corner.

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