Thursday, January 30, 2014

Jon Rauch #60 Days Until Opening Day

It’s Jon Rauch number of days until Opening Day.  If you’ve ever seen Jon Rauch, he’s about the biggest walking contradiction in the history of baseball since Rafael Palmiero wagging his finger at Congress about steroids.  Rauch was (is, I don’t know why I said was, he’s still alive) 6 feet 11 inches tall and looked like convicted murderer.  He is basically the Undertaker’s doppelganger.  According to a couple local baseball writers that I rubbed elbows with last weekend at the Twins Daily event (I know this is kind of a dickhead you had to be there story, but I don’t want to name names because I don’t want to get them in trouble if somehow the wrong person read this), he was one of the biggest assholes either of them have ever covered.  So if I were to describe this type of player to you, a 6 foot 11, tattooed prick who looks like he belongs in WWE more so than MLB, you would probably guess that he was a reliever that threw absolute fucking gas.  That's how it would work in the movies.  He basically sounds like Ricky Vaughn on steroids.  Wrong.  According to my memory, he could only hump it up to like 90 (per FanGraphs, he averaged 90.9 MPH in 2010) and despite being inexplicably thrust into the closer role in 2010, he didn't have elite strikeout numbers by any means, especially for a reliever.  In fact, it was probably Rauch’s mediocrity on a Division Champion team that made fucking Billy Smith feel like he needs to deal the catcher of the future (Wilson Ramos) for goddamn Matt Capps (I liked calling him Matt Crapps, get it?).  It sure would have been nice to have Ramos around since Mauer has been moved out from behind the plate and it’s looking like Kurt Suzuki will be the starter.  Fuck Jon Rauch.  Hurry up Spring Training.


  1. I would like to be there when you tell Rauch to fuck off face to are quite the "keyboard" hero. Here are some facts about the way Rauch pitched for the Twins. The first year he was 5-1 for the month of September and Twins came back from 5 games to play the famous game #163 for the win over Detroit and win the division! What a game it turned out to be! Then the following year Rauch was made the closer because of an injury to Joe Nathan and had 21 saves with 14 of them 1 run saves. Rauch was in the top 5 for saves at the time and then the Twins got Capps to finish the season out as the closer. If I remember right the post season game against the Yanks he came in with bases loaded with one out and struckout A-Rod and got Cano out on a pop up! So Dickhead do you get my "drift" the only one who should Fuck-Off is you.
    Go Twins!!

    1. Hey ewrball4! You from around the twin cities bro? I've got an extra ticket to a Twins/Royals game in April. Wanna go with me?

  2. In all reality, I probably wouldn't tell Jon Rauch how I really feel about him, just the same as I wouldn't tell any of my professors or coaches or parents. I'm happy you enjoyed my blog, you clearly are a connoisseur of great comedy! I hope you keep reading!

  3. Ewrball is 1000% my kind of guy. Just being Johnny on the spot with Rauch stats and giving Dose the blast. I fucking live for these kind of Twins fans!!!! I would KILL to hear this guy's analysis of Nick Punto and some painstakingly curated stats in support of his worth as respectable baseball player.